Depression, angst, self-destructive behaviors, self-worth issues, sexual themes, bullying, loss of lusus, poor hygiene
You wake up on the floor of your hive, like you do every dusk.
The dirty laundry pile you sleep on has grown enough such that it wasn't the most uncomfortable sleep you've ever had, but you were still very much sleeping on the floor. You sit up and wipe your eyes.
Another teal tear stain among countless others on the sleeve of your hoodie. You're crying again, and this time you don't even know why. You sit on the floor and silently sob for a bit before resigning yourself to laying back down.
You reach for your palmhusk and open chittr, typing through tears.
Pyvsit Luslie (dirtyDisappointment [DD])
my blooDDpusher hur♀s
You click post and toss your palmhusk aside, not caring who sees it or what they say. Posting your misery on chittr always helps stabilize you a little bit for reasons you don't like to think about.
You clutch a random pair of sweatpants from your pile, pretending you were ever kind enough to yourself to buy a plushie, and go back to sleep.
You wake up for the second time tonight, still sniffling from your previous sobbing fit. You sit yourself up and look around your respiteblock.
It's a mess, like always. Countless instant noodle cups and other pieces of trash, several buckets you used (by yourself) last night, a couple sex toys you neglected cleaning for so long that they've started to break down and you've yet to throw them away.
Hive sweet hive. Ugh.
You pull yourself off the ground, feeling weighed down by nothing in particular other than your desperate desire to continue laying on the floor. You walk yourself over to your computer and sit in your chair.
You close the porn tabs you left open last night and stare blankly at the desktop for a bit. There's nothing specific you feel like doing, so you wallow in your own misery for a bit before opening chittr.
Nothing productive happens on chittr.
Your stomach growls, snapping you out of your social media induced daze. You sigh, realizing you have to get up and get yourself food before the pain gets worse.
You peel your bare thighs off the seat of your chair and walk downstairs, stepping over numerous trash piles on your way. You really should clean this place up, but you know you never will. Your pusher pangs in your chest as you walk past where your lusus used to sleep, like it always does when you walk by here.
You open your refrigeration chest. Empty.
You open your nutrition cabinet. Empty.
You look around for literally anything to eat.
Nothing.
After putting sweatpants on (you don't bother with underwear) you walk across the street to the convenience store.
GRESIA: ♥ ugh, you again ♥
PYVSIT: sorry...
GRESIA: ♥ just get out of here fast so you don't stink up the place, you fuckin' reek ♥
You grab several cups of instant noodles and walk to the front counter. Gresia starts checking you out.
GRESIA: ♥ do you ♡ever♡ shower girlie? ♥
PYVSIT: no♀ really...
GRESIA: ♥ gross ♥
She finishes checking you out in silence. As you're walking out the door, she yells after you.
GRESIA: ♥ that hair's in a dire state girl, you gotta cut that shit off! ♥
You walk back to your hive, wiping your tears with the sleeves of your hoodie.
After some "nutritious" food, you sit back down at your computer. You're bored as fuck, so you decide to do the only thing you know how to do when you're bored: you pull up some porn.
Pale porn specifically, moons know you need it.
A rather uneventful and depressing couple of minutes pass you by, and you now have yet another bucket upsettingly half-empty. You make a mental note to take care of it at some point, but you know it'll likely sit around for at least a couple nights.
You grab your palmhusk. Gacha nightlies have to happen eventually.
4 ranked losses and some boring singleplayer grinding later, you're done. You do your singular gacha pull for the night: a common, again.
You toss your palmhusk aside.
More chittr.
Nothing productive happens on chittr.
You sit down on your pile of dirty laundry, exhausted. You don't really understand how you end each night so tired, you barely do anything.
You wipe another tear from your eye, looking around your respiteblock at the piles of garbage.
The loop will repeat tomorrow, you know it will. You can't help it. For a singular moment you consider what it would be like to change. To finally clean your hive and start showering and cooking food for yourself. You imagine what it might be like to go an entire night without shedding a single tear.
You lay down in the laundry pile. It reeks. You reek. Whatever.
You'll fall asleep eventually.